Official Bog Topic v3: Now with added OBJECTION and BRUM

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daisy
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Official Bog Topic v3: Now with added OBJECTION and BRUM

Post by daisy » Sat Jul 07, 2012 10:54 am

edit
Last edited by daisy on Sun Oct 13, 2013 11:20 am, edited 4 times in total.

daisy
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Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by daisy » Sat Jul 07, 2012 10:56 am

off to dream about dead people bye

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Treedweller

Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by Treedweller » Sat Jul 07, 2012 11:58 am

Honey, I say this with your best interests in mind. Keep that appointment. Get your mother in that therapy office, too. I know it sounds cruel, but your responsibility for her truly ends with finding her outside help, especially if she's making you uncomfortable or burdened. Do your best to avoid drinking completely; it doesn't seem like alcohol does you good, so enough with that.

Finally, set a solid date when you're going to back to University. You mentioned that you want to go back--you need to go before you get dependent on this cycle of mourning and self-medicating. Talk to someone at the University about student loans, choose your classes, figure out the bureaucratic things and plan for the career and family you'd like to have one day. They'll never replace your father, but knowing that you'll have a partner and kids one day (if you so choose) can be a heartening reminder that you can have another family life. Moreover, this time around you get to choose the people you surround yourself with. Meanwhile, University will give you a rewarding, short-term goal to focus on.

Watching your father die is an unspeakable horror, but it's also something that many successful, well-adjusted men and women have made it through. You can be one of those people in the near future if you make the right choices now.

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Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by Terragent » Sat Jul 07, 2012 1:40 pm

I have to agree with Treed, especially when it comes to drinking. Laying off the booze may make it harder to cope when you're emotionally at rock bottom, but you'll be better off for it in the long term, both emotionally and financially.


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Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by ThunderWalker » Sat Jul 07, 2012 7:58 pm

I have to echo Treedweller in this.

Good luck, Bog.
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Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by Dragonite » Sat Jul 07, 2012 8:56 pm

Good luck Bog. I can't really say more then what Treed did. Uni seems like a good idea, since as Treed said, it gives you focus, and it may be far less frustration then that job you have now.

Also, I have no idea how realistic this is, but I'm not sure if living mostly alone is a good idea with the emotional turmoil you're dealing with, especially the nights. I'm not sure if you have any options, nor do I have any experience with this, though..

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Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by HPD » Sat Jul 07, 2012 9:14 pm

Treed has some good, sensible advice there. Try to make the best of it, man. I really feel for you, and you're in a pretty horrible situation, but there's always a way out. But it's you who has to take that first step. So gather the will and strength to move on and get your life back on the rails.

Good luck, Dave. We all wish you the best.
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Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by Kanzer » Sun Jul 08, 2012 1:54 am

Well, you most likely don't know what parts of what you said I can empatize with, mostly because I've not spoken much out loud about it uh but, let me tell you I can relate some of the stuff.

There are only two things I can say to you here, and listen up: the first is once again carrying Treedles' words back to your attention. I truly ask you to stop reading this post, scroll back up, read them again and maybe even write them down. Don't let them slip away or fade: you've gotta remember the stuff. You have to set things right on your own, and the only way to set your curse is action.

There is a second thing I can tell you about: trust me, I know about horrifying dreams, a lot. Nightmares and night terror have been an old pal of mine, and I'm not just talking about the suffocating anguish of the tale and the screaming panic of the awakening, I'm talking about violently convulsing in my sleep, contorting my back in steel-strong arcs and fighting with chains that are not there binding me. There is a crucial fact that I want to pull through about this: sheer force of will can pull you out of it.

This maddening cycle of being tired and fudge up (both mentally and physically) from the sleep deprivation, the restlessness and the headaches chaotically rolling into the fear, as the day goes by, of eventually coming back to the horrors of your dark room and the certainty that you cannot keep yourself awake forever, the grief that all you want is a good night's sleep so you can walk stronger the next day and maybe you could start to set things right. This cycle I know well, and I personally broke. Alone. It was not easy, nor was it accomplished in just a couple nights. Whatever. Just know that I could, and you can.

Now here's the thing: you do not have to pull through that alone, you got yourself some help with that counsellor there. You were brave enough to open up, and even though you are scared now it doesn't mean you're undoing the progress (and I tell you, being brave enough to let someone help you is great progress).

Pain sucks. We know that. Treating a wound stings and makes you aware of th wound itself, it's bound to suck too. Treating emotional wounds is even harder, since you're not even aware of it's size and it's depth and it is frightening just to think about it. You get this ominous feeling that peeping inside will only reveal a massive, hollow darkness something inhabits. The panic every night doesn't help with that. However, this is just instinct. We know it's gonna hurt: we fear it. Try to protect ourselver from the pain, since pain often means getting hurt, and it triggers our survival instinct. But here, letting this irrational, primal fear get the better of you is what's truly self-destructive. You have to pull yourself together, stand right up, and know it's good for you. You don't have to do this for anyone, not for getting over dad, not for helping mom or getting back at them-whatever. This is for you. It's not crying for help, it's fighting for your life, and I don't mean -survival-, I mean your future life: what you wanna do, whatever it is, and the freedom to choose it.

Fear of what you'll have to face is your biggest enemy here brother, and it is a strong foe, but it's not like you can't fell it. You have made it this far. It takes guts to make it this far. You might feel like it sucks always being the strong one, the last sane mane. It sucks, I'll give you that. But you have to learn to rely on that strength, to remember you can cope with things, that you can navigate the maze, you just need to ask for directions.


I suck at trying to explain my most complex thoughts and feelings in your language, but I sure hope I did make you think, gave some hope and didn't fudge up.

I'll be monitoring this thread man. Be sure I will.
if you burn down all of spain in your quest for thrills, that doesn't mean you get to move to a new country. it means you have to clean up afterward - Deoxy
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Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by daisy » Sun Jul 08, 2012 2:58 am

I love you all.

You gave me a kick up the arse a bit. I donated all my alchohol to a friend's party stash. I rang up Reading, Surrey and Sussex to enquire about politics courses. I also got a marketing email from the Open University out of the blue guaranteeing me a place in the autumn if I'm British, which last time I checked, I am, and I am totally going to respond to it, even if it is only a marketing email. The OU also do these little courses on various things aimed at people who've been out of education for a bit, so I think I'll look at brushing up on my maths, even only to give my brain some stimulation. They start every few months so I should be able to do that fairly soon, and then look at starting a real course in autumn 2013. I'll see what happens - they all said they'd get back to me.

I've also decided to speak to mum about moving back in. She always said I'm welcome back so it shouldn't be a problem. The only downside is that I'd be sleeping in THAT room as my old room is now something else. (They were quick to kick me out, lol.) Not sure if that's a good idea or not. It'd kill several birds with one stone as I'd be better financially, won't be alone all the time and I'd be able to keep a closer eye on mum.

While I'm on it, I am extremely sorry for my drunk posting. I never would have opened up like that or been as blunt while sober. Typing everything out helped me process it a bit and got me to go to sleep.

Partly to give me something else to do other than drink myself stupid next Saturday, I've set up a L4D night. Come join. viewtopic.php?f=3&t=13134&p=378907#p378907

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Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by onewaystreet » Sun Jul 08, 2012 3:27 am

I agree with what everyone says.

If you dwell on the past too much, you'll go right back to square one though. Obviously you've had some painful experiences over the last few years, and I'm not saying that you should ignore them and try to feel as though they've never happened. They have happened, and painful as it is to admit it, it's a part of you now, and ignoring that part of you completely will probably make you very closed-up emotionally, and any further problems will just hit you harder.

What's really important is that you talk to people you trust about these issues. I actually talked to a friend of mine about something that's been bugging me for the last year and a half involving something I've always wanted to say to a different friend (something that bringing up would be a Class A Bad Idea). In the few days since that time, I've gained a small measure of closure and it hasn't bothered me nearly as much.

You don't even have to know these people personally. What's important is that you trust them. However painful an issue it might be for you, getting it said is a small step towards not dwelling on it every time you're alone.
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Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by Treedweller » Sun Jul 08, 2012 3:31 am

That sounds great, honey. I'm proud of you for giving away your alcohol. It also sounds like a good idea to live at home, but be sure that you're going to be ready emotionally for living with your mother. I think it'll help both of you to have each other's support, but be sure that you can handle more situations like the one in your original post.

Your plan with OU sounds fine, especially to refresh your math. Just one thing: I don't know how much it's changed over the years, but the Open University doesn't have a strong academic reputation. Use it like you say: only to refresh your math and get into a better university. You don't have to go to Cambridge or Oxford, but do try and get into a good one come autumn 2013.

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Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by Atticus » Sun Jul 08, 2012 5:37 pm

daisy wrote:While I'm on it, I am extremely sorry for my drunk posting. I never would have opened up like that or been as blunt while sober. Typing everything out helped me process it a bit and got me to go to sleep.
Just want to point out that it's being willing to open up that has everybody here supporting you, and I don't think you need alcohol to do it. Giving it away was a great move. It's only through honesty with yourself that you can be open, and it's only through honesty with yourself that you can climb back to where you want to be.

And hey, even if we're just an obscure Internet community, we wouldn't be posting if we didn't care about you, man. We might not all have as good advice as Treed, but we're here for you, for what it's worth. Best of luck.
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Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by Xenesis » Sun Jul 08, 2012 8:04 pm

I don't really have much to add, everyone's said it already.

But take care of yourself and do what you need to do to keep yourself healthy. We care.
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Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by Sniffit II » Sun Jul 08, 2012 8:10 pm

Ouch.

I'm afraid I'm not much help but I do hope it gets better for you soon, this all sounds pretty damn horrible.
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Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by Linkman » Mon Jul 09, 2012 12:40 pm

Dave, dude, it seriously bummed me to read this.

I think everybody has said it (better than I ever could, really). I think the steps you're planning to take are good ones. Chat me up whenever you can man.
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Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by Guesty » Mon Jul 09, 2012 3:24 pm

Damn, man.

I'm distraught that you're going through this, as no one deserves it. I have nothing useful to add except that you can talk to me ANYTIME if you need to and I'm there. Don't hesitate. My only suggestion is that you share with your therapist everything you feel and don't hold anything back.
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Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by Kanzer » Tue Jul 10, 2012 1:13 am

Ia m very happy to read this last post of yours. I thought you would ponder about our words, think about them and trying to make some small changes overtime, then bigger ones, but no. You have taken full action. You are thinking about big, important and intelligent changes, things that are necessary and, most important, you have already done some of the most important stuff. You're not convincing yourself that you'll change, you're taking the steps without wasting any time. Man, I'm proud of you. You deserve our encouragemente and all the strength we might be able to lend you, and I'm sure you'll find it whenever you look for it. You just have to ask.

I'd like to bring back to everyone attention's Atty's words up there:
Atticus wrote:It's only through honesty with yourself that you can be open, and it's only through honesty with yourself that you can climb back to where you want to be.
This is some of the best advice anyone can get about life in general. Stick to it.
if you burn down all of spain in your quest for thrills, that doesn't mean you get to move to a new country. it means you have to clean up afterward - Deoxy
I won the Pointless Adventure of Nopor Puss - winning command: FALCOWN PAUNCH the Pac-Man.

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Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by daisy » Wed Jul 11, 2012 3:25 am

Ok so a little update. Just to let you know that I'm really touched by the response.

Yesterday I had a row with mother. Obviously we're all in really bad places at the moment so it was more of an emotional arugment rather than a logical one. Suffice to say it ended with me walking out of the house screaming profanities. Not my finest hour. Next thing I know she's rung my doctor telling him "I'm a danger to myself" and I have random dudes on Facebook (who also know my mother) asking if I'm ok. It's really angered me that's she's basically broadcast it to the whole world. I'm not sure if it is justified anger or not, but it's really got to me. I got home, and man I have never felt so low. I've had suicidal thoughts before but I have NEVER EVER had more of a temptation to jump out of the window of my fairly high-up flat. I even started planning a suicide note and a makeshift hardly-legal will in my head. I did the right thing and rang a friend who stayed with me until well past midnight, helping me out with chores (motivation is ridiculously low) and chilling out. She is awesome, literally dropped everything she had planned. Music is also amazing.

Is anyone here into Magic? If so, PM me for my Skype! Trying to keep myself occupied so I've got extra into MTG. Bought a few boosters at the weekend and I'm itching to try out my new setup.

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Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by Kanzer » Wed Jul 11, 2012 4:17 am

I am in too much of an icy-cold mood to say anything that will help you with your family issues instead, but I do want you not to lose focus on one crucial fact: you are trying.

I'll come back to this when I'm in a better mindset to lend you a hand.


Do remeber to properly show your friend appreciation, buy her a drink or something. These are difficult people to come by, have them know how much you value their help. She was there for you.
Last edited by Kanzer on Wed Jul 11, 2012 4:35 am, edited 1 time in total.
if you burn down all of spain in your quest for thrills, that doesn't mean you get to move to a new country. it means you have to clean up afterward - Deoxy
I won the Pointless Adventure of Nopor Puss - winning command: FALCOWN PAUNCH the Pac-Man.

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Treedweller

Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by Treedweller » Wed Jul 11, 2012 4:34 am

No, don't buy her a drink, just do something equally nice. Remember that he shouldn't be drinking alcohol, Kanzer dear.

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Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by Kanzer » Wed Jul 11, 2012 4:36 am

I'm sorry about that, I never drink any alcohol so that was totally not what I was thinking.

And well, I can't say anything nice to you right now, but at least I can give you a poem.

You cannot turn back
because life's already pushing you
like a never-ending howl.

My daughter, it's better to live
with the happiness of mankind,
than to cry facing the blind wall.

You will feel cornered,
you will feel lost or alone,
maybe you'll wish you hadn't been born.

I know very well they will tell you
that there is no point to life,
that it is an unfortunate affair.

Then always remember
what I wrote one day
thinking of you as I am now thinking.

A man alone, a woman,
thus taken, one by one,
are like dust, they are nothing.

But I, when I talk to you,
when I write these words for you,
also think of other people.

Your destiny is in the others,
your future is your own life,
your dignity is that of everybody.

Others expect you to resist,
that your happiness help them,
your song among their songs.

Then always remember
what I wrote one day
thinking of you as I am now thinking.

Never give up or halt
by the road, never say
I can't take it any more and here I stop.

Life is beautiful, you will see
how in spite of the sorrows
you'll have love, you'll have friends.

As for the rest, there is no choice,
and this world, just as it is,
will be all your heritage.

Forgive me, I do not know
what more to say, but understand
that I am still on my way.

And always, always, remember
what I wrote one day
thinking of you like I am now thinking.


Words for Julia - José Agustín Goytisolo
Spanish here.
if you burn down all of spain in your quest for thrills, that doesn't mean you get to move to a new country. it means you have to clean up afterward - Deoxy
I won the Pointless Adventure of Nopor Puss - winning command: FALCOWN PAUNCH the Pac-Man.

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Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by Dragonite » Wed Jul 11, 2012 5:37 am

I did read once young people who think about suicide don't desire death itself. They merely wish for their problems to end, a desperate wish for some kind of liberation. I think you know this, but still, holding on to that thought every time the thought creeps into your head will keep you into control a bit better. Above all, keep talking. Bring this topic to 20 pages if it would make you feel even slightly better. Due to timezones, there often is somebody who will read it before long and might be willing to encourage or at least listen.

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Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by Kanzer » Wed Jul 11, 2012 6:54 am

Yeah man I'll try to check in even if I have nothing of value to say, just so you know I do care and I'm following this matter through.
if you burn down all of spain in your quest for thrills, that doesn't mean you get to move to a new country. it means you have to clean up afterward - Deoxy
I won the Pointless Adventure of Nopor Puss - winning command: FALCOWN PAUNCH the Pac-Man.

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Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by daisy » Wed Jul 11, 2012 8:23 am

That's an awesome poem Kanz. I'll make her a cake or something. Currently really craving a drink at the moment. =/

So it turns out my mother has rang one of my friends (possibly more) and said stuff. That would explain the avalance of FB messages I had earlier.

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Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by Linkman » Wed Jul 11, 2012 11:15 am

Try to pass on the drink man.

Cheers on having such a great friend and on trying to get things together. Keep at it and soon things'll get better, you'll see.
"everytime I try to draw xen I end up drawing a kangaroo smoking a cigar while chainsawing a tree" - Deoxy
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Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by Kanzer » Thu Jul 12, 2012 12:59 am

I'm glad you liked it. I enjoy translating spanish poetry from time to time. I remember translating Becquer's LXVI rhymes for you guys once.

Cake is a great idea. I really enjoy cooking for friends. Maybe getting into cooking a bit more can make you feel better about yourself, and help you stay healthier. It can boost your confidence, you general self-esteem and also lead to better nutritional habits. If you like cooking, or would like to get better at it, you have a nice option and an awesome (and actually useful) time-killer there.
if you burn down all of spain in your quest for thrills, that doesn't mean you get to move to a new country. it means you have to clean up afterward - Deoxy
I won the Pointless Adventure of Nopor Puss - winning command: FALCOWN PAUNCH the Pac-Man.

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Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by daisy » Thu Jul 12, 2012 4:41 am

Ok so another flaming fight with mother. This time started by me, admittedly, but she's been telling a lot of friends that shes "worried about" me (fair enough) but then lying through her teeth. I don't know if it's intentional (as in, she didn't listen) or if she's just being stupid, but it was enough to make me lose my temper. Again.

I've had about 50 Facebook messages in the past 24 hours all from different people asking the same thing. I don't like being gossiped about.

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Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by Treedweller » Thu Jul 12, 2012 4:47 am

Again, I think it may help to bring her with you to your next counseling appointment. You two can clear the air with a neutral party present. Tell her calmly that it's important to you that she be there for the next session.

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Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by Kanzer » Thu Jul 12, 2012 8:26 am

And even more important that she stops telling everyone stuff like that.
if you burn down all of spain in your quest for thrills, that doesn't mean you get to move to a new country. it means you have to clean up afterward - Deoxy
I won the Pointless Adventure of Nopor Puss - winning command: FALCOWN PAUNCH the Pac-Man.

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Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by daisy » Sat Jul 14, 2012 3:07 am

She refused to go and we're now not talking, despite my attempts to the contrary.

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Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by hawkesnightmare » Sat Jul 14, 2012 1:49 pm

keep trying to talk to her, even if its just about the dishes. if she notices you making an effort to fix your relationship, most likely, she will attempt the same. echoing treed, try to get her to the soonest therapy session possible. best of luck.

p.s. all six of my real friends cut, and even though i love my family, right now i value friends more, so i know what you went through in your first post. and, like you and kanzer, i have had horrible nightmares as well. these things are probably catalysts for my general coldheartedness towards everything else in life.
daisy: If the UK is worse than the present #5 in the world in terms of GDP come July 1st 2018 I will dye my hair pink.

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Treedweller

Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by Treedweller » Sat Jul 14, 2012 2:24 pm

daisy wrote:She refused to go and we're now not talking, despite my attempts to the contrary.
That's very childish of her.

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Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by daisy » Sun Jul 15, 2012 2:27 am

Hawke: I moved out in October of last year. My other way of contacting her is the phone at the moment.

Treed: Correct. I'm cutting her a little bit of slack however. I mean, come on, she's just lost her husband, her younger son is out shagging and doing drugs every night and her older son is a depressed borderline alchoholic. Plus she has my dad's kids and grandchildren from another relationship hanging about. (She loves them as if they were her own, but they're still walking reminders.)

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Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by Treedweller » Sun Jul 15, 2012 2:39 am

I do understand that, and maybe I was harsh. I do hope that she'll agree to work things out with you though, dear.

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Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by hawkesnightmare » Sun Jul 15, 2012 12:21 pm

then try to set up a visit. let her know that you're okay, or at least trying to be okay.
daisy: If the UK is worse than the present #5 in the world in terms of GDP come July 1st 2018 I will dye my hair pink.

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Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by daisy » Wed Jul 18, 2012 7:52 am

Possibly seeing her Friday.

But really, I'm starting to reach my emotional capacity. Seriously thinking about the cowards way out. That is not a joke. Even got as far as planning a note and researching different types of sleeping pills. Blah blah blah, attention seeking, but it is honestly and truly how I'm feeling. It's funny how I can be completely honest to a bunch of people who live on my computer screen.

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Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by onewaystreet » Wed Jul 18, 2012 8:04 am

Funny, perhaps, but necessary.

The fact that you DON'T know us is probably helping you the most. If you did know us, would you be as willing to talk about this?

We're here for you, you know. We don't want you going anywhere. In ANY capacity.
thefalman wrote:Honestly, just when I thought we could all have a nice topic about mocking ridiculously, overly hardcore fundamentalists, it has to turn into a religious debate.

You bastards.
thefalman wrote:
RadioShadow wrote:Including having SEX? :o
I know it's an alien concept to you RS, but there's no need to act so surprised.

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McTool
Rank: East Coast Deity Lord

Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by McTool » Wed Jul 18, 2012 8:06 am

Check your PMs
Make good choices

daisy
Rank: Crucified in the Great Meme War

Re: so this is my life, sorry cant find the other topic

Post by daisy » Wed Jul 18, 2012 8:46 am

onewaystreet wrote:Funny, perhaps, but necessary.

The fact that you DON'T know us is probably helping you the most. If you did know us, would you be as willing to talk about this?
The thing is, I feel like I do know you. More than I know a random guy in the street anyway, some even as well as I know my RL friends.

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